How to Put on Hockey Gear: And Why It’s Like Assembling a Spacesuit for a Penguin

Putting on hockey gear is a ritual that combines practicality, tradition, and a touch of absurdity. It’s not just about strapping on pads and lacing up skates; it’s a process that transforms an ordinary human into a gladiator of the ice. Whether you’re a seasoned player or a beginner, mastering the art of donning hockey gear is essential. Let’s dive into the step-by-step process, explore the nuances, and uncover why this ritual is both a science and an art.

Step 1: Start with the Base Layer

Before you even touch your hockey gear, you need to prepare your body. A moisture-wicking base layer is crucial. This layer keeps sweat away from your skin, ensuring you stay dry and comfortable during the game. Think of it as the foundation of your hockey armor. Pro tip: Avoid cotton—it retains moisture and can leave you feeling like a soggy sandwich by the second period.

Step 2: The Jockstrap or Jill (Non-Negotiable)

Next up is the jockstrap (for men) or the Jill (for women). This piece of equipment is non-negotiable. It’s not just about comfort; it’s about protection. Hockey pucks and sticks are unforgiving, and your sensitive areas deserve a shield. Make sure it fits snugly but not too tight—think of it as a hug for your pelvis.

Step 3: Socks and Garter Belt

Now it’s time to put on your hockey socks. These aren’t your everyday socks; they’re long, durable, and designed to cover your shin guards. To keep them in place, use a garter belt. Yes, it sounds like something from the 1920s, but it’s a hockey staple. Clip the socks to the belt, and you’re ready to move on.

Step 4: Shin Guards (The Leg Fortresses)

Shin guards are your first line of defense against slashes, pucks, and the occasional rogue skate. Slide them under your socks, ensuring they cover your shins completely. The bottom of the guards should align with the top of your skates. Secure them with tape or Velcro straps, but don’t go overboard—you don’t want to cut off circulation.

Step 5: Hockey Pants (The Bum Protectors)

Hockey pants are like the Swiss Army knife of gear. They protect your hips, thighs, and tailbone while allowing for maximum mobility. Pull them up over your base layer and adjust the suspenders (if they have them) to keep everything in place. Make sure they’re snug but not restrictive—you need to be able to bend and twist like a contortionist.

Step 6: Skates (The Ice Gliders)

Lacing up your skates is where the magic begins. Start by loosening the laces and sliding your foot in. Tighten the laces from the toe up, ensuring a snug fit around the ankle for maximum support. Don’t forget to tuck your skate tongues under your shin guards. This step is crucial—it’s the difference between gliding gracefully and stumbling like a newborn giraffe.

Step 7: Shoulder Pads (The Body Armor)

Shoulder pads are your upper-body shield. They protect your chest, shoulders, and upper arms from impacts. Slide them on like a jacket and adjust the straps for a secure fit. Make sure they don’t restrict your arm movement—you need to be able to handle your stick with precision.

Step 8: Elbow Pads (The Joint Protectors)

Elbow pads are essential for protecting your elbows during falls or collisions. Slide them on and adjust the straps so they stay in place without cutting off circulation. They should cover your elbow completely and extend slightly above and below the joint.

Step 9: Jersey (The Identity)

Your jersey is more than just a piece of fabric; it’s your identity on the ice. Pull it on over your shoulder pads and tuck it into your pants. Make sure your number is visible—this is how your teammates (and opponents) will recognize you.

Step 10: Helmet and Visor/Cage (The Brain Bucket)

Your helmet is arguably the most important piece of gear. It protects your head from impacts and concussions. Adjust the straps so it fits snugly but comfortably. If you’re wearing a visor or cage, make sure it’s securely attached and doesn’t obstruct your vision.

Step 11: Gloves (The Hand Shields)

Hockey gloves protect your hands from slashes, pucks, and the cold. Slide them on and adjust the wrist straps for a secure fit. Your fingers should have enough room to move freely, but the gloves shouldn’t feel loose.

Step 12: Stick (The Weapon of Choice)

Finally, grab your stick. It’s an extension of your body on the ice. Make sure it’s the right length and flex for your playing style. Hold it with confidence—you’re now ready to dominate the game.

Why It’s Like Assembling a Spacesuit for a Penguin

Putting on hockey gear is a meticulous process that requires patience and precision. It’s like assembling a spacesuit—every piece has a purpose, and if one part is out of place, the whole system fails. And why a penguin? Because once you’re fully geared up, waddling to the rink feels like channeling your inner flightless bird. But once you hit the ice, you transform into a graceful, powerful force.

FAQs

Q: How long does it take to put on hockey gear?
A: For beginners, it can take 15-20 minutes. Experienced players can do it in under 10.

Q: Can I wear regular socks under my hockey socks?
A: It’s not recommended. Regular socks can cause blisters and reduce the effectiveness of your hockey socks.

Q: Do I need to wear a mouthguard?
A: Yes, a mouthguard is essential for protecting your teeth and reducing the risk of concussions.

Q: How tight should my skates be?
A: Your skates should be snug but not painfully tight. You should be able to wiggle your toes slightly.

Q: Can I skip the jockstrap/Jill?
A: Absolutely not. Trust us, you’ll regret it the first time a puck comes flying your way.